Diagnosis: Batty

Description:
The preparation of a pre-thesis poetry manuscript under a tight deadline may result in patients presenting with increased symptomatic anxiety during the last month of the semester. Subjects should be further assessed by psychological examination. Indications for medical intervention include a permanent glazed over look of the eyeballs, incessant bitching about how much “crap” one has to do, signs of sleep deprivation such as giant, dark sandbags under eyes, and marked irritability toward uninvolved subjects (dry cleaner, boyfriend, imaginary characters on television, etc.).



Complications and Adverse Effects:
Untreated subjects may be highly susceptible to the following behaviors and outcomes:

• Blurting obscenities at inappropriate times (followed by uncontrollable sobbing)
  
• Eating Folgers Crystals directly out of the can while smoking a pack of cigarettes
  
• Sneaking away in the night to live in a cabin deep in the hills of West Virginia
  
• Bursting into flame
  
• Exclamations that one should’ve just married the rich ex-boyfriend and skipped grad school altogether even though he’s a goon
  
• Persistent requests for a partial lobotomy of the frontal lobe, with the desired result of not caring about deep or intellectual endeavors, one’s calling to the writer’s life, coupled with an expressed desire to be content with a career as a plumber.
  
• Plans to conspire to plagiarize poems from various obscure and brilliant writers from rural Uganda, justified by terse remarks such as “No one will ever know. You won’t tell, [pauses, glares, blows cigarette smoke in your face] will you?”

Treatment Options
The patient should be informed of involved risks upon declination of treatment, such as failing out of grad school or being thrown in the slammer for plagiarism. Patients who have taken up smoking, eating coffee grounds or have re-united with Mr. Goon should be strongly urged to immediately discontinue behavior, as these events significantly decrease success rates. Upon assessment of the patient’s condition, a support network for the patient should be contacted immediately.

Proposed treatment options should be completed in conjunction with the patient’s assigned support team, and include the following (based on the results of the medical professional’s assessment):

• Re-arrange patient’s schedule so he or she gets more than 4 hours of sleep per night.
  
• Remove caffeinated beverages and tobacco products from the patient’s living environment.
  
• Reassure the patient that while it does not pay to procrastinate, there is plenty of time to generate enough creative energy to come up with material that doesn’t “totally suck.”
  
• Encourage the patient to ambulate as tolerated; fresh air and exercise will help regulate breathing and decrease the desire to scream.
  
• Make a massage appointment for the patient.

Warnings:
Instability may persist, degenerating remaining motivation. If this occurs, take him or her to readings of other fabulous, admirable poets to remind her that she will be really good someday and that she can watch all the TV and do all the mindless activities she wants over the summer. Especially severe cases may require an intervention involving Red Wine Treatment. Tell her her poetry is amazing and that she will find success with her work. If she refutes, citing the insanely low statistical support for this claim, feed her more wine until she agrees with you.