How long Kate and Tim have been in love: 20 monthsDays till their wedding: 55
Time Kate will rise on her wedding day in order to put on her gown and hike a leg up on a tree (we’ll be camping) to strap on a garter belt in the middle of the wilderness in time for her dawn ceremony: 4:30 AM.
How many penis shaped cakes I baked yesterday: 2
How many Ben dropped on his foul kitchen floor: 2
How many penis-shaped cakes Ben baked yesterday: 2
How many women I crammed into my attic apartment last night: 13
How many jell-o shots someone brought to my house: 8 million
How many I consumed: 2
How many the bride consumed: approximately 9
How many times she yacked: 0. That I know of. [Update: Make that 2.]
How many times she drunk-dialed the groom: 2
How long my parents have been married: 35 years
How long they were engaged: 3 months
How long it’s been since my younger sister disappeared for a month and came home married to a man 25 years older than her: 5 years
How many family members have been married in the same small town church with the most gorgeous stained glass windows ever: 8
How many babies those couples had: 20
How many dance clubs we attended last night: 3
How many we rides we took in a black stretch limo: 1
How much we paid for said limo: $6
How many times I had my ass pinched: 3
How many bathrooms I peed in and, using the well-honed skills I learned at college frat parties, managed not to touch a single thing except TP: 3
How many guys bought me a drink: 1
Number of times we heard the song “Baby Got Back”: 4
Number of women in the “Baby Got Back” video who actually have a large ass: 0
Number of times I thought to myself, “Dear God, I am too old for this”: 1,000,000
How many trips to the spa my friends are getting me to thank me for hosting this madness: 1. Yay.
In my 4th grade diary, how old I said I expected to be when I got married: 30
How many times I’ve informally been proposed to: 3
Age I was when my grandmother told me she’d never live to see the day I found a husband and gave me my wedding gift early: 23
Her age on her wedding day: 29
My age now: 29
How often I use the non-wedding gift she gave me: Almost daily
How many times I’ve been asked out this year: 3
How many dates I said yes to: 3
How many of these men are gay: 1
How many of whom had a degree: The gay one.
Days since I heard “I love you” from a man: 1 day
Miles apart I am from that man: 10,629
How many internet dates I’ve been on, total: 4
How many I had a second date with: 1
How many were totally freaks: 0
How long its been since I went on an internet date: 10 months
How many men I’ve met not on the internet (since I moved here) who turned out to be freaks: 5
How many feather boas were in my bed when I woke up this morning: 2
How much random shit I found strewn about my house when I got up:
1 stray sock
1 make-up bag
1 purple bra
7 lemons
1 vibrating cock ring
1 card that said “I dare you to kiss a stranger”
2 jars of frosting
1 t-shirt
1 bag of shredded coconut
6,958 nearly empty cups of God-knows-what drinks
1 dry-erase marker.
How many gallons of warm, sugary, rummy, nauseating Mojito mix I dumped down the toilet this morning: 1
Leftovers I am most excited to chow down on: Mexican layer dip, mixed nuts, wedge of brie.
What’s left of the penis-shaped cakes: 2 cherry-chip testicles
How many bags of trash I hauled to the dumpster: 6
How many drinks I mopped off the floor: 1
What I am going to do with 7 lemons: I have no idea.
The number of years that will pass before I do another jell-o shot, make a penis cake or dance to “It’s Getting Hot in Here/So Take off All Your Clothes”: 3,593,559,293
How many friends I’ve held up the giant hoop of her wedding dress for so she could go pee at her own reception: 3
How much more important it is to have a great partner than any of the wedding stuff: 100x
How nice it is to have both, if that’s what you want: Quite nice, I'm sure.
How much better it is to be single right now than in something that isn’t right: 16 tons
How it feels right now knowing that I’m not vulnerable to or responsible for a relationship: Light as a Feather
How jazzed I’ll be if I find an excellent partner: Super, super jazzed
How urgent is it to find a partner: Not at all.
How it feels to see two wonderful friends fall deeply in love and make each other very, very happy: Amazing.
How it feels to have your friend tell you 10 times in one night that she loves you, and that this is just the kind of girl’s night she wanted: Worth every dropped and re-baked penis cake.
How sure I am that these two punks are a fantastic match: 100%
How weepy and happy will I be at their wedding: Very.
11 comments:
What an amazing post. Thank you so much for a laugh and cry all at once.
You are one of the best friends EVER. We are all lucky to have you.
I promise I will NEVER ask you to throw me a bachelorette party.
Gay men make the very best dates. The only danger is they may show up looking better than you.
And I'll take care of Michele's bachelorette party. I'm already having the "Come and get it!" thongs printed up.
Say, have you seen my black sock? :)
Sorry I couldn't make it, I was watching a movie with my momma.
And don't you say you're never taking another jell-O shot, missy!
I think you should send this to the New Yorker for publication. This is an amazing post!
Of course, I am easily amused. And I haven't done a jello shot in 18 years!
Thanks for breaking up what was turning into a very mundane and work-filled day.
Brian, did you finally decide to marry me after all? Barring that, I don't have any current candidates!
Brian always looks better than I do on our dates. It's kinda depressing. But I have way better cleavage than he does. There is some justice in the world, you know?
Brian, how impressed ARE you with Voix's clevage?
Voix: Yesterdays hits: 15. Today's hits: 40. That's what happens when you tell people what to do! [Insert whip cracking sound here.]
Jessi: I say no to jell-o shots. And I now have one random black sock and one random white one. Perhaps my bed is the portal for all the socks of the world that get lost in people's dryers. Hm.
Rand: You flatter me so!!!
Cavu, you really don't want to tell me I'm that powerful. I might start believing you and then you'll have to peel my ego off the ceiling with a spatula. They did that to me in college once, it was pretty scary.
Voix is powerful, CAVU is amazing, Brian hosts Haiku Saturday (awesome).
I have a good life but you guys make it better. Thanks for the entertaining commentary!
"How it feels right now knowing that I’m not vulnerable to or responsible for a relationship: Light as a Feather"
Amen! Sounds like you threw a great shindig. Thanks for sharing such an entertaining recap of it.
Cavu is a very good shindig giver. But wait until you see the princess croquet lawn party I throw her for her birthday in August. It's going to be a party of special magnificence.
Will there be croquet with flamingos a la Alice in Wonderland?
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