This Just in from My Fucked Up Hometown

My parentals have lived in a small Indiana town for about 6 billion years now. It’s rather conservative. For example, my mother’s tai chi class got boycotted because the locals thought it was satanic. Even after that, the townies never cease to amaze me.

Madre is the arts administrator, in charge of all things artsy from little kids ballet classes to theatre to painting classes to the annual Christmas tree decorating contest. Most weekends, my dad drives busloads of artistically deprived people out to cities that actually have real art.

So: My mom organized a very cool historical architecture expert to come give a talk about our amazing county courthouse and all the gargoyles and green faces and very cool designs therein. A fellow who is new to town came to the talk—we’ll call him Jason. Jason, 25, just moved to BackAsswards because he married a local woman he met in college. Jason and his young wife are currently shopping for a house.

Jason is into photography. You know, as a hobby. A creative pursuit. So, after the gargoyle expert gave his talk, Jason was fascinated, and he returned to the county courthouse with his camera to photograph the artwork. That’s all, He was just milling about outside shooting photographs of gargoyles and buttresses and stuff.

SIX PEOPLE CALLED THE POLICE.

While Jason comes from, like, Colombus, Ohio or something, he is of Italian heritage. People called the cops saying a dark haired man who might be a terrorist was taking photographs of the courthouse because he might be plotting to blow up the lone government building Paranoid, Indiana. Six separate instances of this frantic phone call, my friends.

Jason was ambushed by screaming sirens and bored cops and taken in for questioning. I imagine Jason in a serious discussion with his lovely wife about moving far, far away right this very minute.

I would like to officially nominate the members of my hometown for the American Terrorist and Buckeyes and Anyone Who Doesn't Look Like Them Protection Committee because they do such a thorough job of protecting their territory from invasion by both terrorists and by 25 year-old photographers from Ohio. I’d also like to nominate them for the Biggest, Dumbest, most Paranoid, Close-Minded, Irrational-Fear Mongering, Narrow, Judgmental Freaks award, because (with a handful of exceptions) they’re a heap of Bush-loving morons.