I have procured gainful employment!

Not at T@rget, rather at a company that feels quite intuitively good. I'm a communications specialist. The company make surgical devices and trains surgeons, and their/our purpose is to ease pain, heal injury and help people have happy, independent, active lives. The schedule is flexible and a laptop will be provided for regular cubicle escape.

Eureka! This is very good! The interview process has been ridiculously extensive, and I am glad it is all over.

NOW, a pop quiz.

If you get a good grade, perhaps you will get a present. Perhaps a key-lime pie martini with a graham cracker crust rim from Chino Latino. Maybe a Luke Skywalker Pez dispenser. Maybe a high five.

History of Cavu's Career:

1. My first job was:

A. Babysitting for a family of 7.
B. Sorting worms into bait tins for $1 an hour at my dad's hardware store. (How cheap is he?)
C. Selling paper bags of string beans out of a wagon that I wheeled around the neighborhood.
D. Life guarding.

2. I have been shit-canned from exactly one job. Why?

A. I can't cook.
B. I can't do math.
C. I had... um... a wordrobe malfunction.
D. I punched the boss' kid.

3. I have smooched exactly how many colleagues*:

A. 1
B. 3
C. 5
D. 7

4. Which of the following has not been a nickname given to me by colleagues:

A. Moon Beam (Beam for short)
B. Rutabaga (Ruta for short)
C. George (After the Abominable Snowman cartoon: I will hug him and squeeze him and call him George.)
D. Helium

5. How did I really get my first job out of college?

A. I applied for a job, got rejected, called the hiring manager and asked him to explain himself and he found a different (crappier) position for me.
B. I totally lied on my resume. I prefer to call it "embellishment."
C. I went on a date with the HR guy. I got him drunk on greyhounds and made him promise to put a referral on my resume.
D. My college roommate's dad worked there and he totally got me in.

6. I did not work as which of the following while I lived in Australia:

A. A waitress.
B. A maid.
C. A writer.
D. A nanny.

7. My new place of employment has offices in 24 countries around the globe. Paris! Singapore! Bangkok! Oddly, they're headquartered in:

A. Perth, where I tried desperately to get a real job for a year, but couldn't, so I moved home.
B. Tokyo, Japan, where my ex, Josh, moved, causing us to break up.
C. West Dorp, Holland, where my ancestors moved to America from 2 generations ago.
D. Warsaw, Indiana, an hour away from my parent's house.

8. I've already had a new-job anxiety dream. In it:

A. My boss was our dipshit president, GWB.
B. I was told I could only really have the job if I passed an algebra test administered by my creep-tastic high school math teacher, Mr. Kaylor.
C. I had on no pants.
D. I got to work only to find out that my entire job consisted of a lifetime of filing. That's it. Forever.

9. At one of my jobs, I met:

A. Scott Baio.
B. Martina Navratialova.
C. Everclear, the whole band.
D. Ha Jin.

10. And I didn't even get in trouble! Which one of the following is true:

A. My co-workers and I used to rig up the drinking fountains to beer kegs. Whoop!
B. I accidentally bought my boss a ticket to Portland, Maine instead of Portland, Oregon. Nonrefundable.
C. I dropped my laptop in a swimming pool.
D. I lied and said I was stuck for 3 days in Switzerland because of a snow storm and my flight was delayed. Really, I was partying my ass off.

*Not while I was working with them, people. I'm not that stupid.