What the F. And by "F" I mean Frequency.

Behold! I have found the secret key to staying happy, occupied and sane while working hour upon hour inside the cubicle labyrinth! Muzak.

According to Mike and the Muzak corporation.

You see, it goes something like this: Musak isn’t just Rod Stewart songs remixed by Zamfir and his magic pan flute. It is a combination of art and science. It is sophisticated, engineered to saturate business space with dilute, inoffensive Background Product. It employs “Stimulus Progression” (dull tempos, rhythms, and instrumentation followed by brighter tempos, rhythms and instrumentation) to create psychological effects for which the human psychology is apparently programmed. For example: happiness. “When you employ the science of Muzak in an office, workers tend to get more done, more efficiently and feel happier. In general, people feel better about where they are, whether it’s during work or leisure time.” No shit?

Why can’t we just listen to real music? Muzak’s effectiveness is dependent on you tuning it out to do other things, which isn’t possible with regular music you might, say, listen to consciously and, you know, enjoy. That would be too distracting for the cubicle environment.

Muzak is not to be confused with anti-noise, another environmental background tool whereupon two varieties of sound wave are produced to block one another out and result in perceived silence. Okay.

So why aren’t I happier and more productive in my Muzak-saturated business environment (L-shaped desk, uncomfortable chair, wilting poinsettia from the holidays, 5 kinds of machines within a 2 foot radius, gray walls, cheap coffee)? Because Muzak apparently does not work on yours truly. It only has the desired result when it is tuned out, goes unnoticed and the listeners go happily about their conversations and other business without paying it any conscious attention. Muzak’s “Causing people stop to ponder the nature of emotion is seen as a positive failure by its manufacturers and users.”

Alas, my key to cubicle bliss is thwarted. Muzak fails me. Those of you who find happiness, contentment and productivity in the pan flute are blessed, indeed.